In the back of my mind, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always had the fear that I would have a hard time becoming pregnant. I thought this was something all women probably felt at some point in their life, and convinced myself it would be super easy to get pregnant and even the chance of a honeymoon baby would make total sense: our timing was right and it just made sense! But, when October came around and things started getting weird with my cycle, I decided it would be beneficial to get things straight sooner rather than later. In the last year, I had been on and off the pill based on symptomatic reasons. Based on my history and my irregularity since last November, Dr. Juarez decided it would be a good idea to order some bloodwork and an ultrasound of my pelvis. While the waiting game for results played out, I completely convinced myself that I was somehow pregnant and all of the home pregnancy tests I had been taking were just incorrect, my hormone levels were just too inconsistent. Pinterest kept calling my name to search baby items and nursery décor, so my mommy-sense was turned on and baby fever was in full gear. I felt bloated and my boobs felt sensitive. I was completely pregnant. I knew I was.
Fast forward one week, one ultrasound and blood test result later, and I was completely not pregnant. Not only was I not expecting, but I received the news that I had PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome). It’s really not as dramatic as it sounds, and about 1 in 15 women have PCOS. But the thought that I had PCOS, and the complete passion I had to get pregnant ASAP did not mesh well in my mind.
Because my body does not ovulate correctly on it’s own, Dr. Juarez prescribed Provera and Clomid- Provera to help me become regular with my cycles, and Clomid to help my body ovulate. Yep, we’re talking low-dose fertility drugs. My days of watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Guiliana & Bill flashed in my mind… would this really be the next few years for us? Struggling to become pregnant? IVF? Surrogacy?
Starting our family was something Jason and I intended on immediately after we got married. We’ve talked of having children together for as long as I can remember, and for those of you who know us… we’re planners. The second our plan was shattered by the news, I went into mental breakdown mode. Take the sudden reality of a crappy ovary function, mix it with a handful of pregnancy announcements between family, friends, and good ol’ Facebook statuses, and you get one highly emotional not pregnant lady. How could all of these women be getting pregnant so easily and not me!?
The last few months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Jason has been such a supportive husband so early in our marriage and it has been extremely unfair of me to play the victim in all of this- he wants babies just as much as I do, but neither of us have control and it drives us nuts. Fortunately, I’m turning a new attitude and focusing on the positive as much as I can. The hardest thing I’ve had to learn (and I’m still dealing with) is letting go. This is not in my control, and I can’t get pregnant when I want. I’ve had an amazing support group of my family and very few close friends that have helped me stay on that positive path, and I appreciate them so much (love you guys!). Mostly, it will happen when it’s meant to happen.
Our Clomid journey started this week. I’m learning to be as chill as I can be with this whole process. It’s a double standard of “Try not to stress!” when really, there’s a lot of stress in having to take medication in order to ovulate, needing to chart my Basal Body Temperature as well as take an OPK test every morning to see if I’ll even ovulate soon.
BUT, we’re focusing on the positive here! I know everything is going to work itself out the way it should. I know life isn’t going to always go the way I want, and I know it’s constantly going to be a learning process for us- in our marriage, in ourselves, in our lives. Patience. Patience. Patience. It will happen when it’s meant to happen.
