Coming Our Way....

Coming our way.... Baby #2 is due in May!!

Yay!  We couldn't be more excited to announce that Baby Kelton 2.0 is on the way, with an estimated due date of early May 2016!  Nolan is excited about being a big brother, as much as he realizes what that even means, and every time he is asked if the baby is a Brother or a Sister, we get a confident and loud, "SISH-HER" response, so we're hoping he's on track with a sixth-sense about this.  Either way, boy or girl, we are so thrilled and excited to be brewing another little babe, as it's been a long(ish) road once again with TTC and my fertility issues.  Read below to hear all about our journey thus far!

We had talked about trying for another baby once Nolan had turned one, but with lots of fall weddings planned to attend, some out of state, we figured we should push back trying until our 9-months would be past those dates.  Once March rolled around, we decided, let's just try, with no medication help, since we used Clomid, a low-dose fertility medication to conceive Nolan, due to my PCOS.

We tried for a couple months with no medication, and I began taking the Clomid shortly after, ready to be pregnant and confident it wouldn't take too long, since with Nolan and the miscarriage that we conceived once before on, I was pregnant on the first try with the help of the medication.  Once month three rolled along, I was starting to become mildly worried, because the instructions of the Clomid, pharmacists, doctors and Google alike all agreed that once the third round of Clomid is reached and failed, other options should be tested and it's most likely the Clomid wouldn't work at the current dosage.

I met with Dr. Juarez to discuss these options, and he had mentioned he thought I may have endometriosis, which causes infertility in many cases and went with many of the symptoms I told him I had been experiencing since my cycles had returned after Nolan's birth.  We scheduled an ultrasound to see if I had any signs of endo, and possibly leave a laproscopy as an option right after the results of the ultrasound.  To say I was devastated was an understatement, and here I was, yet again, going through these "out of my control" fertility issues that we also met with while trying for Nolan.  I hated this process and seriously considered taking a break for a while because the highs and lows of TTC were really a lot for me to handle.

So, on the morning before leaving for Erin's bachelorette party in San Diego, a week after my appointment with Dr. Juarez, I decided to test, just to make sure I was okay to drink for the weekend.  Lo and behold.... the absolute faintest line appeared, so I tested another, digital this time, to compare.  "Not pregnant."

Confused, I called Dr. Juarez's office and told them my results.  They asked that I come in, since it was a long holiday weekend, get bloodwork for my hCG and Progesterone levels, and also get a prescription for the Progesterone since I had a history of it being low in the past (and to take ASAP if I ended up getting a positive).

The next morning, before I left for my San Diego weekend, I tested again, and this time, confirmed that there was definitely a line!  I knew at this point that one, I wouldn't be drinking for the weekend, and two, our third, LAST round of Clomid worked!

While in San Diego, I continued to test (yes, I'm a crazy person), as well as when I returned home until I got my redraw (at 4w4d) for the hCG bloodwork and results.  When Dr. Juarez's office called and confirmed that yes, I was pregnant, and that my Progesterone and hCG looked good, I was thrilled!  The Progesterone count came back at 44.5 and my hCG went from a 17 to 245, so it more than doubled in the amount of time needed, and although it started very low, it really just meant that I picked up the pregnancy extremely early, at 3 weeks, 6 days from the moment I got the first test result (hence the positive and negative digital test in the same day, the digital didn't have enough hCG to read)!

We went in for an early ultrasound, that was originally my endometriosis scheduled ultrasound (ironic) with Dr. Juarez shortly after, and based on my previous history, I was a nervous wreck, as to be expected.  Ever since that first miscarriage, I try to prepare myself for the worst news, but luckily this time, after performing the ultrasound for a good ten minutes, not saying a word, the ultrasound tech finally turned the screen and showed us the tiniest dot, which was baby!  Even better, we saw a flickering heartbeat on the screen and even got to hear it, although it was faint since it had probably juuuuust started beating.  Based on my LMP, I should have been measuring 6w3d, but the ultrasound measured 4 days behind, at 5w6d.

Our results of the ultrasound and all my bloodwork came back great, and I had started with queasiness and nausea, so I knew these were all good signs!  Yet, when I started spotting around 7 weeks, we took extra precaution and headed to urgent care to see what was going on.  After 4 hours, a pelvic exam and an ultrasound later, it was determined that baby was fine, and I had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage that was causing the spotting.  I again was measuring behind my LMP, this time at 7w4d (vs. 7w6d).  The hemorrhage was so tiny that none of my doctor's seemed to be concerned, and just advised to take it easy and limit my activities and weight carrying.

I finally had my first "OB" appointment with the new doctor's office that I would be joining, since Dr. Juarez was retiring (saddest news ever, but, it worked out in our favor because we had been paying cash to see him since Jason's insurance wasn't contracted with his office anymore).  The new office provided another ultrasound for me, confirming I had a ticking little heartbeat and a growing babe, measuring at 8w2d, still 4 days behind my LMP at 8w6d.  The doctor explained the measurements being a bit off is totally okay, and not enough to cause concern for changing our date.  At this point, we would go off of my LMP date, which was fine by me!  We also got our first official picture to take home of the baby bean... Meet baby Kelton 2.0!

We finally just recently had another appointment at 12w6d, and all is well as the doctor picked up baby's heartbeat on the Doppler rather than another ultrasound.  I have also been using my Doppler at home almost every day, to reassure that baby is still beating away, and it gives me a little extra comfort in these early weeks that everything is going to be a-okay!  I first picked up baby's heartbeat at exactly 9 weeks.  Faint, and hard to catch, but I found it and have been listening in ever since!

We've had quite the adventure leading up to this point, but we're feeling confident and happy to share our news.  We hope this pregnancy goes smoothly and cannot wait to welcome another little babe into our family come May!  YAY!

Round #2....

Here we go again....

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!

Let me first just say, I'm trying to take this pregnancy a little less to heart.  I know how awful that may sound.  It's a fine line to be excited for this to happen so quickly again, but also terrifying based on what happened last time.  

We found out on Saturday, May 4th.  For a week or so before, I again had my "gut" feeling that I may be pregnant.  I had constant reflux, I found myself waaaay more emotional than normal (I cried when a girl I hated on American Idol was eliminated.. um, what?) and those very vivid, extremely detailed, terrifying dreams were coming back.  Yet, I didn't want to get my hopes up.  I had been testing every 3 days for a positive result, and still hadn't gotten a BFP until Saturday.  That morning, the faintest line appeared, but I knew that was it (see below)!  I raced over to Jason and made him confirm that my eyes were really seeing the slight line.  He agreed, and five minutes later I somehow squeezed more pee out of my bladder to test on another, this time the digital test that spelled it out for us: P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T (see above).

Seriously, the faintest line possible!

All day Saturday, I was thrilled.  Nothing could rock my world, I was pregnant again and I was extremely confident this was it!  On Sunday, reality set in.  I started panicking and found every excuse to think any symptom was a bad one.  I spent all day in the complete opposite mood as the previous 24 hours; I went frrom complete ecstasy to complete anxiety. 

Monday morning, I went to Dr. Juarez's office as soon as they opened.  He had told me the last time we met, that the next time I got pregnant, I was to get bloodwork done as soon as possible.  They got me in quickly and tested my levels for Progesterone and HCG.  I would go back Wednesday to get the second blood draw to see if my HCG went up.

While I was in the office Monday morning, one of the nurses I've spent a lot of time talking with over the last few months finally snapped me into an epiphany.  It was quick for me to realize and decide that I wasn't going to spend this pregnancy worrying about the "M" word.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen.  It's not worth wasting my first trimester worrying over every twinge I experience.  The best thing I could do is already being done, by monitoring my blood levels, and that's it.  That's all I can do.  She told me to just enjoy it.... and so I left feeling a little bit lighter and more like how I felt Saturday morning.  This can happen.  I will have this baby!

Tuesday my progesterone levels came back at 47.3!  Both Dr. Juarez and the nurse agreed this level was great, but to continue supplementing with progesterone once a day, just in case.  On Thursday, my second draw results came back.  I was extremely nervous to get these numbers... but to my relief, my HCG had more than doubled within 48 hours!  I went from 119 on Monday to 377 on Wednesday.  We have an early ultrasound scheduled at the end of this month, so we're praying we see that yolk sac and a fetal pole!  

I'm trying to be as confident as I can this time around.  I do feel a little different than I did the last time, yet I'm not letting my guard down completely.  We're hoping and praying that this time around goes better than the last.  January 2013 was the worst, most devastating month of our lives, but we're hoping that January 2014 is going to be the absolute best month of our entire lives by welcoming our baby into this world.

Baby Kelton is due January 2014..... Here's to the next 8 months of meeting this baby!!!

Healing...It's a Process

The nonstop, heavy-hearted question I get on a daily basis following the miscarriage is, "How are you?"  Usually I respond that I'm just fine, which for the most part is true.  I'm fine and I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm counting down the days that we can start again and start over.  Some days go by, and I surprise myself that I got through without once thinking about the miscarriage.  I carry forward.

Yet, some days are hard.  Some days I've cried harder than I've ever cried in my life.  I've had days that my crying makes me so angry, I find myself praying that the tears will stop flowing.  I wonder when these melt downs are going to stop.  I wonder if I'm crazy; am I thinking too much?  Why am I so emotional over someone I had no connection with?  I never felt a movement, never saw a heartbeat.  Never knew anything was there if it wasn't for those two pink lines that told me otherwise.  Some days start out fine, then I get in the car, turn on the radio and hear Mumford and Sons "I Will Wait" and completely break down, feeling people staring at me and my sobbing self while we're stopped at the red light.  Or other nights while we're watching Teen Mom or Snooki tend to their babies, and I think to myself, how is life so unfair?  

Some days I'm bitter, and if you've been around me on one of these days, I apologize.  These are the days when people ask, "How are you?" and I feel like answering, "Well, the baby my husband and I have been praying for for months is dead, I'm depressed and can't seem to find happiness in anything right now.  How is YOUR life?"  Or when I get friends announcing their pregnancies, texting and posting their excitement on Facebook, all I really want to say is, "Don't you KNOW I just miscarried!? Why would you even share this news with me?  Of course I'm not interested in knowing you're pregnancy was more successful than mine!" (as much as my cynical self would like to answer this way, I don't, don't worry.  Plus, most people don't even know about my miscarriage, so how can any of it be their fault!  It's not.  It's just me being unnecessarily bitter and mean).  

Mostly, the biggest struggle I get through is the "What ifs" or the "One days", like the dates I have imprinted in my mind: Today, February 11th, would have been the day we were to hear our baby's heartbeat.  My iPhone calendar even had the nerve to remind me this morning: "Doppler with Dr. Juarez @ 8:45!" The exclamation mark at the end of that pop-up reminder poured salt into my already ripped open wound.  September 5th, the due date, will always be a day fresh in my mind.  Seeing these dates and living through them is like a swift punch in the stomach.  Same exact feeling, but unfortunately a much deeper punch.

Really, I've healed quite a bit both physically and emotionally in the last few weeks, and only with the help of Jason, my family and close friends being my support.  And ice cream.  Ice cream helps a lot too.  I love each one of these supporters and can't thank them enough for being there for me- for listening to me, crying with me, distracting me, making me laugh, lending me your babies to snuggle, or even just sitting with me saying nothing.  It helps.

I've had my moments of pity parties and sob-fests.  As hard as I try to move on and keep a positive outlook, some days are just hard.  I keep telling myself this is healthy and this is just part of the process.  Yet I find myself wondering how long this process will last, and can't help but feel like I'm not really going to move on until we get pregnant for a second time.  I feel ashamed and selfish for feeling that way, but maybe that's just my healing process.  Sometimes I feel like I should be over it by now, and even wonder if people think this is even dramatic writing another entry about the miscarriage.  Yet, again, my healing process includes talking it out and writing it down, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get me to a better place emotionally.

So to answer that oh-so-common question:  I'm ready to move on, but it's not a smooth ride getting there.  It's a roller coaster of emotions, but I'm ready to be smiling more than not.  Most of all, I'm more hopeful and confident (even more than before we got pregnant the first time).  I'm hopeful that things will fall in place correctly this time and soon, and I'm confident they will be better this time around based on what we've learned from our tragedy.  If anything, our miscarriage gave us the knowledge of how to carry a new pregnancy more successfully, and will make us extremely grateful and blessed when we do get pregnant again and finally get to hold our baby in our arms. 

Moment of Truth

Tuesday morning was our first prenatal visit.  This was something I was anxiously awaiting from the moment I saw those two lines appear the first week of January.  It was a standard first visit, and we didn't get to experience anything amazing like I would have hoped for.  Just a consultation of medical history, lots of bloodwork, a urinalysis, and going over any questions we may have (which trust me, I had a list as a first time pregnant woman).  We left feeling mostly positive, but in the back of mind I knew I wasn't completely satisfied with how things were.  For one, I had to ask for my HCG and progesterone levels to be tested, since it wasn't routine.  I also was experiencing some light cramping on one side for about 24 hours, which had me worried and also allowed for me to ask for an early ultrasound, one of which our insurance did not cover because insurance is absolutely ridiculous now (I could go on for hours about that one).  

Ultimately, we decided to wait on our HCG and progesterone levels before we scheduled the early ultrasound.  If those levels looked fine, there seemed no need to waste unnecessary loads of money if our little bean's levels seemed normal.  Plus, the Doppler appointment was scheduled in two weeks; we could totally wait it out.  What could possibly happen?

What could happen was something I had prepared myself for from day one.  

The fact that practically every pregnant woman I've known (give or take three or four) has had a miscarriage was something constantly flowing in the back of my mind.  It's an unfair, all to common happening that baffles my mind.  So when Tuesday afternoon came around, and I started spotting, I knew.  I knew that even though it was just spotting, and that most women in pregnancy have this as a symptom, it wasn't a symptom for me.  I knew that the cramping I've experienced was concerning, and the back pain I was starting to feel was another red flag.  Jason reassured me everything would be fine, and we would call the doctor's office in the morning.  That's when I started to pray.  To beg, to plea, and to find the slight chance of hope I somehow knew wasn't in existence.  I figured the more I prayed, the harder I tried, maybe something would come through for me.  

Wednesday morning came around, and we snuck in for a cancelled appointment.  After a pelvic exam and some discussion with the doctor, ruling a threatened miscarriage was taking place, he set us up for a 50-50% chance of our baby's future.  We scheduled an ultrasound for the next morning, and while the spotting and cramping continued, although still faint and not overwhelming, he reassured us that if there was a heartbeat, we were in the clear.  If there was none, we needed to start thinking of our options.  We found that although my HCG levels were where they needed to be, my progesterone levels were extremely low.  What should have been a minimum of a 14, my progesterone was at a 5.  He prescribed me Prometrium to start ASAP, as I did as soon as I got home. 

As Thursday morning approached, after the longest 24 hour period of my life and cramping becoming more severe, I went to the restroom and it happened.  Bright red blood, clots, and a nonstop flow.  I didn't need an ultrasound to tell me what I already knew, yet I kept the tiniest glimpse of hope that maybe somehow, just someway, that little flicker would come across the screen and life would be good again.  When we got to the office and they called us back for the ultrasound, I cried to the sonographer, and at that point I know she prepared herself on what she was going to find.  As she ran the wand across my belly, which seemed like the absolute longest moment of my life, I looked back and forth from her face to Jason's face, searching for any kind of sign that they knew what they were looking at.  As she finished, she stated that she couldn't tell us anything and the doctor had to go over the results.  I cried again, knowing exactly what those results would be.

He sat us down, brought up the ultrasound photos and explained  that we experienced a blighted ovum in our pregnancy.  Basically, the sac and placenta had formed, which is how the HCG levels were fine, but the embryo never had.  It explained so much but at the same time, nothing at all.  It explained why I never got nauseous, it explained why the last four days I felt "empty".  At some point between the cramping on Monday and the spotting on Wednesday, I imagined to myself just running away from this baby and wanting to get a clean slate.  It explained why in the back of my mind, I wanted this pregnancy to reset and start over.  I know after I had this thought, I instantly felt guilt and anger towards myself for how I could even conceive such an idea.  Apparently, I just knew what my body was trying to tell me.

I chose the D&C option rather than waiting to naturally pass everything.  For me, this was a personal decision knowing I couldn't possibly heal until getting everything out was over.  The doctor explained that it could take a day or it could take weeks letting it occur naturally.  It was a simple choice for me, and they scheduled me for that afternoon at 3:45.  Everything was happening so fast, but I think it was better for me that way.  Although I didn't really have time to process everything before it all happened, I was able to just get it over, which I needed to do.

The D&C was quick and painless.  Although I was quite nervous, I was never nervous about the actual procedure.  The hardest part was seeing everyone in the hospital I knew from work and having to explain why I was there.  It was awkward and just made me appreciate why we kept our secret from most people until we were further along; at least we wouldn't have to explain to the world what had happened.  

Now, just one day after the procedure, I'm in a place of not really knowing what to feel.  Yes, I've cried my eyes out to release everything inside.  Yes, I've talked about it over and over with Jason and with a few select close family and friends that have been through the same thing.  Yet, do I look forward to trying again?  Do I sit and mope, grieve this loss and move on?  How long is it going to take to be normal again?  I feel as though so many women go through this but never really explain how they feel about it, which in turn leaves me confused on how I should feel about it, too.  The scariest part for me is not knowing how future pregnancies are going to be.  Is this event going to make me more calm the next time I see those two pink lines, or more paranoid, looking for every sign I experienced with this pregnancy, and just… wait for something to happen.  I need to know how to look forward, and I'm not sure if that is something anyone can help me with or if I need to figure it out on my own (which I'm not good at doing, anyway).

I know it's unconventional to write about this.  I'm not sure if it will help with the healing or if it will just make me look like a blubbery idiot who can't get over something so "routine", that more than 25% of pregnant women experience.  I may make this a public read, and I may keep it private for the entire time this blog is in existence.  I can't say yet.  But, I know when I was going through my miscarriage, I searched the internet for a glimpse of relation and couldn't find much.  If anything, if it doesn't work for healing, if it doesn't serve a purpose for myself, maybe it will help someone else out there looking for the answers I was searching for the past three days.  Because Lord knows, the one thing I needed during this time was to know that I wasn't alone.

In the end, it looks like my New Years Resolution turned out to be much more than I thought it meant.  I made that resolution and instantly found out I was pregnant.  So I "let go" for a couple weeks and it happened!  But now, I need to let it go again.  And maybe times after that.  And it may not come as easy, but I need to prepare myself for the realities of life, no matter how unsettling, unfair, or personal they may be.  So for now, because I'm not bawling and I'm not cursing the world, here's to looking forward, to starting over and to letting it go.

New Beginnings

Well, here we are, a week after my last blog post of "letting go".  

It's amazing the power of thought has on a person.

A new mindset brings new beginnings… and this year is really ringing in with a BANG to those new beginnings….

because...

We're PREGNANT!!!!!!!!

I still can't believe it!  It doesn't quite feel real.

Jason and I swore we missed out this past month on our timing and basically put it off to the next month to continue trying.  I tested my ovulation every single day and always got negative results.  No ovulation.  One solid line, never two.  I called Dr. Juarez's office just to make sure to continue with the same dosage of Clomid, and explained how I didn't think I ovulated based on my basal body temps and the OPKs.  I convinced myself to be ready for another round of Clomid, because it looked like it was heading that way.

About a week and a half ago, I started having extremely vivid, weird, terrifying dreams.  This was completely out of the norm for me, and I was waking up drenched in sweat each time.  I also had an extremely sensitive sense of smell… patients that came in that reeked of smoke made me gag, and one night while cooking pepper steak, I swore up and down the meat was rotten (Jason assured me it wasn't).  Plus, I was eating waaaay more than I normally do.  In one week, I had Sonic and Wendy's and definitely ingested about 1500 calories in each meal…for lunch.  Fat girl status!  I tried not to take these signs too much to heart- I had gotten my hopes up once and refused to let myself do that again.  The ups and downs were so not worth it!

So, I made a promise to myself to not take a pregnancy test until the first day of my missed period.  Fast forward one week, more smell sensitivity, extreme hunger and thirst later, and this morning was the morning!

As soon as I laid the test on the bathroom counter, it instantly had a faint line in the test line space.  This had never.happened.before.  Ever.  I continued to tell myself, no way… It needs to be much darker to be a positive.  I let 3 minutes go by.  Two lines, clear as day!  I still wanted to be sure, so I ruffled through my stash of pregnancy tests and grabbed another brand.  Again, an instant second line appeared.  Another five minutes- BAM!  Two lines!!  I finally took a ClearBlue test to be absolutely positive with word confirmation: "PREGNANT."  I was shaking and ran and woke Jason up.  All we could do was laugh.  Was this real?!  We really thought there was no way this time… but apparently we did something right!  

Based on my super irregular cycle, it's hard to tell exactly when it happened and where exactly I am in my pregnancy.  As of right now, I'm going with 5 weeks, until we get a doctor's appointment and get a more accurate date.  Either way, Baby Kelton will be due sometime around September 2013!

I hate that we have to wait so long for our appointment, but that's the way it rolls.  Until then, I'll probably take a million more tests just to make sure we're still going strong!  It really doesn't feel real, and I don't think it will until we see that lovely little heartbeat on the screen.  We are so, so blessed with everything in our lives, and this just makes it even more incredible!

Here's to 2013 and many, many new firsts the year will bring!

Jen, Jason, Harley and Baby Kelton!   

Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions.

I usually never make NYR.  Every year that I've made one, I've always forgotten what that something was by April.  So, it just goes to show how non important those resolutions were to me.

This year, the obvious thing Jason and I are hoping for is to get pregnant and to start our family in 2013.  And although it sounds a bit contradictory in more than one way, I'm actually setting a resolution this year that means everything to me, and more importantly, our marriage.

My resolution for 2013 is to let go.  As I've stated in previous posts, I can't control my future and need to work on letting life take its course rather than me controlling my own path.  A baby isn't going to come the more I "feel" pregnant or the more time I spend, wishing, hoping that this miracle take form.  More importantly, I need to live in the now and appreciate everything we have around us in the now moment! 

I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband who loves me throughout everything, and our ability to finally become Mr. & Mrs. this year.    I'm thankful for our fur-baby Harley, who will always be our first-born, with his unconditional love and loyalty.  I'm thankful for the amazing things we have in our life at such a young age- owning our own home, being able to buy an awesome car, our parents and our savings for allowing us to have an amazing, outstanding, best-ever wedding this year, and all the other things that come along with being very blessed and fortunate with our possessions.  And of course, none of those things even come close to having our friends and family in our lives, another blessing we are thankful for everyday.  For having best friends that live as close as two blocks away, to as far as across and spread throughout the country, and no matter how close, far, or how much time goes in between, we always remain close.  For having an "adoptive" niece and nephew that bring us so much happiness and for their parents letting us spoil them and treat them as our own family.  For having family that is always there for us, and who support us by traveling 3,000 miles to be with us on our wedding day.  We appreciate and love every one of you!

So, here's to 2013.  Here's to expecting the best, but living the now.  I cannot even fathom how amazing our life together has become and all that we have together.  I know that one day it will bring us exactly what we want, but in the meantime, I can't forget what we already have.  

A Test in Patience

In the back of my mind, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always had the fear that I would have a hard time becoming pregnant.  I thought this was something all women probably felt at some point in their life, and convinced myself it would be super easy to get pregnant and even the chance of a honeymoon baby would make total sense: our timing was right and it just made sense!  But, when October came around and things started getting weird with my cycle, I decided it would be beneficial to get things straight sooner rather than later.  In the last year, I had been on and off the pill based on symptomatic reasons.  Based on my history and my irregularity since last November, Dr. Juarez decided it would be a good idea to order some bloodwork and an ultrasound of my pelvis.  While the waiting game for results played out, I completely convinced myself that I was somehow pregnant and all of the home pregnancy tests I had been taking were just incorrect, my hormone levels were just too inconsistent.  Pinterest kept calling my name to search baby items and nursery décor, so my mommy-sense was turned on and baby fever was in full gear.  I felt bloated and my boobs felt sensitive.  I was completely pregnant.  I knew I was. 

Fast forward one week, one ultrasound and blood test result later, and I was completely not pregnant.  Not only was I not expecting, but I received the news that I had PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome).  It’s really not as dramatic as it sounds, and about 1 in 15 women have PCOS.  But the thought that I had PCOS, and the complete passion I had to get pregnant ASAP did not mesh well in my mind.  

Because my body does not ovulate correctly on it’s own, Dr. Juarez prescribed Provera and Clomid- Provera to help me become regular with my cycles, and Clomid to help my body ovulate.  Yep, we’re talking low-dose fertility drugs.  My days of watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Guiliana & Bill flashed in my mind… would this really be the next few years for us?  Struggling to become pregnant?  IVF?  Surrogacy?  

Starting our family was something Jason and I intended on immediately after we got married.  We’ve talked of having children together for as long as I can remember, and for those of you who know us… we’re planners.  The second our plan was shattered by the news, I went into mental breakdown mode.  Take the sudden reality of a crappy ovary function, mix it with a handful of pregnancy announcements between family, friends, and good ol’ Facebook statuses, and you get one highly emotional not pregnant lady.  How could all of these women be getting pregnant so easily and not me!?  

The last few months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me.   Jason has been such a supportive husband so early in our marriage and it has been extremely unfair of me to play the victim in all of this- he wants babies just as much as I do, but neither of us have control and it drives us nuts.  Fortunately, I’m turning a new attitude and focusing on the positive as much as I can.  The hardest thing I’ve had to learn (and I’m still dealing with) is letting go.  This is not in my control, and I can’t get pregnant when I want.  I’ve had an amazing support group of my family and very few close friends that have helped me stay on that positive path, and I appreciate them so much (love you guys!).   Mostly, it will happen when it’s meant to happen.

Our Clomid journey started this week.  I’m learning to be as chill as I can be with this whole process.  It’s a double standard of  “Try not to stress!” when really, there’s a lot of stress in having to take medication in order to ovulate, needing to chart my Basal Body Temperature as well as take an OPK test every morning to see if I’ll even ovulate soon.  

BUT, we’re focusing on the positive here!  I know everything is going to work itself out the way it should.  I know life isn’t going to always go the way I want, and I know it’s constantly going to be a learning process for us- in our marriage, in ourselves, in our lives.  Patience. Patience. Patience.  It will happen when it’s meant to happen.