Tuesday morning was our first prenatal visit. This was something I was anxiously awaiting from the moment I saw those two lines appear the first week of January. It was a standard first visit, and we didn't get to experience anything amazing like I would have hoped for. Just a consultation of medical history, lots of bloodwork, a urinalysis, and going over any questions we may have (which trust me, I had a list as a first time pregnant woman). We left feeling mostly positive, but in the back of mind I knew I wasn't completely satisfied with how things were. For one, I had to ask for my HCG and progesterone levels to be tested, since it wasn't routine. I also was experiencing some light cramping on one side for about 24 hours, which had me worried and also allowed for me to ask for an early ultrasound, one of which our insurance did not cover because insurance is absolutely ridiculous now (I could go on for hours about that one).
Ultimately, we decided to wait on our HCG and progesterone levels before we scheduled the early ultrasound. If those levels looked fine, there seemed no need to waste unnecessary loads of money if our little bean's levels seemed normal. Plus, the Doppler appointment was scheduled in two weeks; we could totally wait it out. What could possibly happen?
What could happen was something I had prepared myself for from day one.
The fact that practically every pregnant woman I've known (give or take three or four) has had a miscarriage was something constantly flowing in the back of my mind. It's an unfair, all to common happening that baffles my mind. So when Tuesday afternoon came around, and I started spotting, I knew. I knew that even though it was just spotting, and that most women in pregnancy have this as a symptom, it wasn't a symptom for me. I knew that the cramping I've experienced was concerning, and the back pain I was starting to feel was another red flag. Jason reassured me everything would be fine, and we would call the doctor's office in the morning. That's when I started to pray. To beg, to plea, and to find the slight chance of hope I somehow knew wasn't in existence. I figured the more I prayed, the harder I tried, maybe something would come through for me.
Wednesday morning came around, and we snuck in for a cancelled appointment. After a pelvic exam and some discussion with the doctor, ruling a threatened miscarriage was taking place, he set us up for a 50-50% chance of our baby's future. We scheduled an ultrasound for the next morning, and while the spotting and cramping continued, although still faint and not overwhelming, he reassured us that if there was a heartbeat, we were in the clear. If there was none, we needed to start thinking of our options. We found that although my HCG levels were where they needed to be, my progesterone levels were extremely low. What should have been a minimum of a 14, my progesterone was at a 5. He prescribed me Prometrium to start ASAP, as I did as soon as I got home.
As Thursday morning approached, after the longest 24 hour period of my life and cramping becoming more severe, I went to the restroom and it happened. Bright red blood, clots, and a nonstop flow. I didn't need an ultrasound to tell me what I already knew, yet I kept the tiniest glimpse of hope that maybe somehow, just someway, that little flicker would come across the screen and life would be good again. When we got to the office and they called us back for the ultrasound, I cried to the sonographer, and at that point I know she prepared herself on what she was going to find. As she ran the wand across my belly, which seemed like the absolute longest moment of my life, I looked back and forth from her face to Jason's face, searching for any kind of sign that they knew what they were looking at. As she finished, she stated that she couldn't tell us anything and the doctor had to go over the results. I cried again, knowing exactly what those results would be.
He sat us down, brought up the ultrasound photos and explained that we experienced a blighted ovum in our pregnancy. Basically, the sac and placenta had formed, which is how the HCG levels were fine, but the embryo never had. It explained so much but at the same time, nothing at all. It explained why I never got nauseous, it explained why the last four days I felt "empty". At some point between the cramping on Monday and the spotting on Wednesday, I imagined to myself just running away from this baby and wanting to get a clean slate. It explained why in the back of my mind, I wanted this pregnancy to reset and start over. I know after I had this thought, I instantly felt guilt and anger towards myself for how I could even conceive such an idea. Apparently, I just knew what my body was trying to tell me.
I chose the D&C option rather than waiting to naturally pass everything. For me, this was a personal decision knowing I couldn't possibly heal until getting everything out was over. The doctor explained that it could take a day or it could take weeks letting it occur naturally. It was a simple choice for me, and they scheduled me for that afternoon at 3:45. Everything was happening so fast, but I think it was better for me that way. Although I didn't really have time to process everything before it all happened, I was able to just get it over, which I needed to do.
The D&C was quick and painless. Although I was quite nervous, I was never nervous about the actual procedure. The hardest part was seeing everyone in the hospital I knew from work and having to explain why I was there. It was awkward and just made me appreciate why we kept our secret from most people until we were further along; at least we wouldn't have to explain to the world what had happened.
Now, just one day after the procedure, I'm in a place of not really knowing what to feel. Yes, I've cried my eyes out to release everything inside. Yes, I've talked about it over and over with Jason and with a few select close family and friends that have been through the same thing. Yet, do I look forward to trying again? Do I sit and mope, grieve this loss and move on? How long is it going to take to be normal again? I feel as though so many women go through this but never really explain how they feel about it, which in turn leaves me confused on how I should feel about it, too. The scariest part for me is not knowing how future pregnancies are going to be. Is this event going to make me more calm the next time I see those two pink lines, or more paranoid, looking for every sign I experienced with this pregnancy, and just… wait for something to happen. I need to know how to look forward, and I'm not sure if that is something anyone can help me with or if I need to figure it out on my own (which I'm not good at doing, anyway).
I know it's unconventional to write about this. I'm not sure if it will help with the healing or if it will just make me look like a blubbery idiot who can't get over something so "routine", that more than 25% of pregnant women experience. I may make this a public read, and I may keep it private for the entire time this blog is in existence. I can't say yet. But, I know when I was going through my miscarriage, I searched the internet for a glimpse of relation and couldn't find much. If anything, if it doesn't work for healing, if it doesn't serve a purpose for myself, maybe it will help someone else out there looking for the answers I was searching for the past three days. Because Lord knows, the one thing I needed during this time was to know that I wasn't alone.
In the end, it looks like my New Years Resolution turned out to be much more than I thought it meant. I made that resolution and instantly found out I was pregnant. So I "let go" for a couple weeks and it happened! But now, I need to let it go again. And maybe times after that. And it may not come as easy, but I need to prepare myself for the realities of life, no matter how unsettling, unfair, or personal they may be. So for now, because I'm not bawling and I'm not cursing the world, here's to looking forward, to starting over and to letting it go.
Well, here we are, a week after my last blog post of "letting go".
It's amazing the power of thought has on a person.
A new mindset brings new beginnings… and this year is really ringing in with a BANG to those new beginnings….
because...
We're PREGNANT!!!!!!!!
I still can't believe it! It doesn't quite feel real.
Jason and I swore we missed out this past month on our timing and basically put it off to the next month to continue trying. I tested my ovulation every single day and always got negative results. No ovulation. One solid line, never two. I called Dr. Juarez's office just to make sure to continue with the same dosage of Clomid, and explained how I didn't think I ovulated based on my basal body temps and the OPKs. I convinced myself to be ready for another round of Clomid, because it looked like it was heading that way.
About a week and a half ago, I started having extremely vivid, weird, terrifying dreams. This was completely out of the norm for me, and I was waking up drenched in sweat each time. I also had an extremely sensitive sense of smell… patients that came in that reeked of smoke made me gag, and one night while cooking pepper steak, I swore up and down the meat was rotten (Jason assured me it wasn't). Plus, I was eating waaaay more than I normally do. In one week, I had Sonic and Wendy's and definitely ingested about 1500 calories in each meal…for lunch. Fat girl status! I tried not to take these signs too much to heart- I had gotten my hopes up once and refused to let myself do that again. The ups and downs were so not worth it!
So, I made a promise to myself to not take a pregnancy test until the first day of my missed period. Fast forward one week, more smell sensitivity, extreme hunger and thirst later, and this morning was the morning!
As soon as I laid the test on the bathroom counter, it instantly had a faint line in the test line space. This had never.happened.before. Ever. I continued to tell myself, no way… It needs to be much darker to be a positive. I let 3 minutes go by. Two lines, clear as day! I still wanted to be sure, so I ruffled through my stash of pregnancy tests and grabbed another brand. Again, an instant second line appeared. Another five minutes- BAM! Two lines!! I finally took a ClearBlue test to be absolutely positive with word confirmation: "PREGNANT." I was shaking and ran and woke Jason up. All we could do was laugh. Was this real?! We really thought there was no way this time… but apparently we did something right!
Based on my super irregular cycle, it's hard to tell exactly when it happened and where exactly I am in my pregnancy. As of right now, I'm going with 5 weeks, until we get a doctor's appointment and get a more accurate date. Either way, Baby Kelton will be due sometime around September 2013!
I hate that we have to wait so long for our appointment, but that's the way it rolls. Until then, I'll probably take a million more tests just to make sure we're still going strong! It really doesn't feel real, and I don't think it will until we see that lovely little heartbeat on the screen. We are so, so blessed with everything in our lives, and this just makes it even more incredible!
Here's to 2013 and many, many new firsts the year will bring!
Jen, Jason, Harley and Baby Kelton!
New Year's Resolutions.
I usually never make NYR. Every year that I've made one, I've always forgotten what that something was by April. So, it just goes to show how non important those resolutions were to me.
This year, the obvious thing Jason and I are hoping for is to get pregnant and to start our family in 2013. And although it sounds a bit contradictory in more than one way, I'm actually setting a resolution this year that means everything to me, and more importantly, our marriage.
My resolution for 2013 is to let go. As I've stated in previous posts, I can't control my future and need to work on letting life take its course rather than me controlling my own path. A baby isn't going to come the more I "feel" pregnant or the more time I spend, wishing, hoping that this miracle take form. More importantly, I need to live in the now and appreciate everything we have around us in the now moment!
I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband who loves me throughout everything, and our ability to finally become Mr. & Mrs. this year. I'm thankful for our fur-baby Harley, who will always be our first-born, with his unconditional love and loyalty. I'm thankful for the amazing things we have in our life at such a young age- owning our own home, being able to buy an awesome car, our parents and our savings for allowing us to have an amazing, outstanding, best-ever wedding this year, and all the other things that come along with being very blessed and fortunate with our possessions. And of course, none of those things even come close to having our friends and family in our lives, another blessing we are thankful for everyday. For having best friends that live as close as two blocks away, to as far as across and spread throughout the country, and no matter how close, far, or how much time goes in between, we always remain close. For having an "adoptive" niece and nephew that bring us so much happiness and for their parents letting us spoil them and treat them as our own family. For having family that is always there for us, and who support us by traveling 3,000 miles to be with us on our wedding day. We appreciate and love every one of you!
So, here's to 2013. Here's to expecting the best, but living the now. I cannot even fathom how amazing our life together has become and all that we have together. I know that one day it will bring us exactly what we want, but in the meantime, I can't forget what we already have.
