Healing...It's a Process

The nonstop, heavy-hearted question I get on a daily basis following the miscarriage is, "How are you?"  Usually I respond that I'm just fine, which for the most part is true.  I'm fine and I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm counting down the days that we can start again and start over.  Some days go by, and I surprise myself that I got through without once thinking about the miscarriage.  I carry forward.

Yet, some days are hard.  Some days I've cried harder than I've ever cried in my life.  I've had days that my crying makes me so angry, I find myself praying that the tears will stop flowing.  I wonder when these melt downs are going to stop.  I wonder if I'm crazy; am I thinking too much?  Why am I so emotional over someone I had no connection with?  I never felt a movement, never saw a heartbeat.  Never knew anything was there if it wasn't for those two pink lines that told me otherwise.  Some days start out fine, then I get in the car, turn on the radio and hear Mumford and Sons "I Will Wait" and completely break down, feeling people staring at me and my sobbing self while we're stopped at the red light.  Or other nights while we're watching Teen Mom or Snooki tend to their babies, and I think to myself, how is life so unfair?  

Some days I'm bitter, and if you've been around me on one of these days, I apologize.  These are the days when people ask, "How are you?" and I feel like answering, "Well, the baby my husband and I have been praying for for months is dead, I'm depressed and can't seem to find happiness in anything right now.  How is YOUR life?"  Or when I get friends announcing their pregnancies, texting and posting their excitement on Facebook, all I really want to say is, "Don't you KNOW I just miscarried!? Why would you even share this news with me?  Of course I'm not interested in knowing you're pregnancy was more successful than mine!" (as much as my cynical self would like to answer this way, I don't, don't worry.  Plus, most people don't even know about my miscarriage, so how can any of it be their fault!  It's not.  It's just me being unnecessarily bitter and mean).  

Mostly, the biggest struggle I get through is the "What ifs" or the "One days", like the dates I have imprinted in my mind: Today, February 11th, would have been the day we were to hear our baby's heartbeat.  My iPhone calendar even had the nerve to remind me this morning: "Doppler with Dr. Juarez @ 8:45!" The exclamation mark at the end of that pop-up reminder poured salt into my already ripped open wound.  September 5th, the due date, will always be a day fresh in my mind.  Seeing these dates and living through them is like a swift punch in the stomach.  Same exact feeling, but unfortunately a much deeper punch.

Really, I've healed quite a bit both physically and emotionally in the last few weeks, and only with the help of Jason, my family and close friends being my support.  And ice cream.  Ice cream helps a lot too.  I love each one of these supporters and can't thank them enough for being there for me- for listening to me, crying with me, distracting me, making me laugh, lending me your babies to snuggle, or even just sitting with me saying nothing.  It helps.

I've had my moments of pity parties and sob-fests.  As hard as I try to move on and keep a positive outlook, some days are just hard.  I keep telling myself this is healthy and this is just part of the process.  Yet I find myself wondering how long this process will last, and can't help but feel like I'm not really going to move on until we get pregnant for a second time.  I feel ashamed and selfish for feeling that way, but maybe that's just my healing process.  Sometimes I feel like I should be over it by now, and even wonder if people think this is even dramatic writing another entry about the miscarriage.  Yet, again, my healing process includes talking it out and writing it down, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get me to a better place emotionally.

So to answer that oh-so-common question:  I'm ready to move on, but it's not a smooth ride getting there.  It's a roller coaster of emotions, but I'm ready to be smiling more than not.  Most of all, I'm more hopeful and confident (even more than before we got pregnant the first time).  I'm hopeful that things will fall in place correctly this time and soon, and I'm confident they will be better this time around based on what we've learned from our tragedy.  If anything, our miscarriage gave us the knowledge of how to carry a new pregnancy more successfully, and will make us extremely grateful and blessed when we do get pregnant again and finally get to hold our baby in our arms. 

Happiest Place on Earth

During the first weekend of February, we had planned months back to take a trip to Disneyland for Scarlett's 2nd birthday.  It was so special to help celebrate with her and both Brock and Jess' whole family, and we are lucky to be a part of their "extended" family. We think of them as our family more than our friends, and as I've said before, we treat Scarlett and Hudson as our adopted niece and nephew.  When they initially invited us to Disney, there was no way we could pass it up!

Jason and I hadn't been to Disneyland since we were both very little.  I was about nine the last time my family and I had gone, and he was even younger than that.  We were excited to see what we remembered and what was new since our last visit.  Come to find out, we both didn't remember much about it!  Either way, we had an amazing time being kids again in the happiest place on earth, and it couldn't have come at a better time to just get away from the real world and live like a kid.  So we did. :)

Sleeping Beauty's Castle 

Couldn't have been more perfect for our weekend.  I pretty much cried when I saw this.

Welcome to Disney!

Wishing well at Sleeping Beauty's castle.  Jason and I each made our wish.

The Birthday Girl!

Little Mickey Hudson

California Adventure

Waiting in line for Star Tours 

Big Thunder Ranch Petting Zoo... yes, I dragged Jason to this, being the animal lover I am.

So cute!

Everything tastes better in Disneyland!

Radiator Springs Racers.. we won!

Space Mountain

California Screamin'

Tower of Terror

Adorable desserts at Scarlett's birthday dinner, Ariel's Grotto 

Little one passed out at the end of the day!  Too much fun!

Happy in the happiest place on Earth!

January Happenings

January was an extremely eventful month, obviously full of extreme highs and extreme lows (see previous blog posts).  Yet, with both the exciting and devastating news that we experienced, life happened in between.  And for those moments that happened, I wanted to make sure we documented our January happenings, just as every other month. :)

Right after the new year, we took a quick trip to the snow at Mount Charleston.  Harley had never been in the snow before, so we figured it would be a great day to let him run around and check it out!  He had a blast and it was fun to see him enjoy the snow so much!  

We enjoyed nights out to dinner throughout the month with our friends the Luks'.  On one night, we tried Nielsen's Frozen Custard which was delicious!

My partner in crime :)

Stacey came into town to celebrate her birthday for the weekend.  I love spending any second with her that I can since we don't live in the same city anymore, and the weekend was even more fun because we got to see lots of friends we hadn't seen in a while.  Plus, any excuse to get out of the house is okay in our book!

We went to check out a new bar downtown called Commonwealth and it didn't disappoint.  Stacey and Jeremy kept it classy with their designated drinks: a martini for Jeremy and a beer (with special koozie) for Stacey.  After we spent time at Commonwealth, we decided to hop over to another bar down the street called The Griffin.  We spent time dancing and drinking there and then called it a night!  

My girls for life! (and all of our unplanned brown boots)

The birthday girl breaking it down

The next night, we all went out to eat at Lucille's and then spent the night drinking at Quinn's Irish Pub in Green Valley Ranch.  Sometimes I forget how great it is to have good bars close by, and Quinn's is definitely one of those places!  It was so great to have my best friend in town again, and I love being able to spend time with my friends who I don't normally get to see on a regular basis.  We always have such a good time together and it makes me miss our college days when we were all inseparable!

Birthday girl and her sundae!

Jason got to hang out with his friends, too :)

Towards the end of the month, I spent a lot of time snuggling with my fur baby.  Any day snuggling with this little dude is a good day for me!