Healing...It's a Process

The nonstop, heavy-hearted question I get on a daily basis following the miscarriage is, "How are you?"  Usually I respond that I'm just fine, which for the most part is true.  I'm fine and I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm counting down the days that we can start again and start over.  Some days go by, and I surprise myself that I got through without once thinking about the miscarriage.  I carry forward.

Yet, some days are hard.  Some days I've cried harder than I've ever cried in my life.  I've had days that my crying makes me so angry, I find myself praying that the tears will stop flowing.  I wonder when these melt downs are going to stop.  I wonder if I'm crazy; am I thinking too much?  Why am I so emotional over someone I had no connection with?  I never felt a movement, never saw a heartbeat.  Never knew anything was there if it wasn't for those two pink lines that told me otherwise.  Some days start out fine, then I get in the car, turn on the radio and hear Mumford and Sons "I Will Wait" and completely break down, feeling people staring at me and my sobbing self while we're stopped at the red light.  Or other nights while we're watching Teen Mom or Snooki tend to their babies, and I think to myself, how is life so unfair?  

Some days I'm bitter, and if you've been around me on one of these days, I apologize.  These are the days when people ask, "How are you?" and I feel like answering, "Well, the baby my husband and I have been praying for for months is dead, I'm depressed and can't seem to find happiness in anything right now.  How is YOUR life?"  Or when I get friends announcing their pregnancies, texting and posting their excitement on Facebook, all I really want to say is, "Don't you KNOW I just miscarried!? Why would you even share this news with me?  Of course I'm not interested in knowing you're pregnancy was more successful than mine!" (as much as my cynical self would like to answer this way, I don't, don't worry.  Plus, most people don't even know about my miscarriage, so how can any of it be their fault!  It's not.  It's just me being unnecessarily bitter and mean).  

Mostly, the biggest struggle I get through is the "What ifs" or the "One days", like the dates I have imprinted in my mind: Today, February 11th, would have been the day we were to hear our baby's heartbeat.  My iPhone calendar even had the nerve to remind me this morning: "Doppler with Dr. Juarez @ 8:45!" The exclamation mark at the end of that pop-up reminder poured salt into my already ripped open wound.  September 5th, the due date, will always be a day fresh in my mind.  Seeing these dates and living through them is like a swift punch in the stomach.  Same exact feeling, but unfortunately a much deeper punch.

Really, I've healed quite a bit both physically and emotionally in the last few weeks, and only with the help of Jason, my family and close friends being my support.  And ice cream.  Ice cream helps a lot too.  I love each one of these supporters and can't thank them enough for being there for me- for listening to me, crying with me, distracting me, making me laugh, lending me your babies to snuggle, or even just sitting with me saying nothing.  It helps.

I've had my moments of pity parties and sob-fests.  As hard as I try to move on and keep a positive outlook, some days are just hard.  I keep telling myself this is healthy and this is just part of the process.  Yet I find myself wondering how long this process will last, and can't help but feel like I'm not really going to move on until we get pregnant for a second time.  I feel ashamed and selfish for feeling that way, but maybe that's just my healing process.  Sometimes I feel like I should be over it by now, and even wonder if people think this is even dramatic writing another entry about the miscarriage.  Yet, again, my healing process includes talking it out and writing it down, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get me to a better place emotionally.

So to answer that oh-so-common question:  I'm ready to move on, but it's not a smooth ride getting there.  It's a roller coaster of emotions, but I'm ready to be smiling more than not.  Most of all, I'm more hopeful and confident (even more than before we got pregnant the first time).  I'm hopeful that things will fall in place correctly this time and soon, and I'm confident they will be better this time around based on what we've learned from our tragedy.  If anything, our miscarriage gave us the knowledge of how to carry a new pregnancy more successfully, and will make us extremely grateful and blessed when we do get pregnant again and finally get to hold our baby in our arms. 

Happiest Place on Earth

During the first weekend of February, we had planned months back to take a trip to Disneyland for Scarlett's 2nd birthday.  It was so special to help celebrate with her and both Brock and Jess' whole family, and we are lucky to be a part of their "extended" family. We think of them as our family more than our friends, and as I've said before, we treat Scarlett and Hudson as our adopted niece and nephew.  When they initially invited us to Disney, there was no way we could pass it up!

Jason and I hadn't been to Disneyland since we were both very little.  I was about nine the last time my family and I had gone, and he was even younger than that.  We were excited to see what we remembered and what was new since our last visit.  Come to find out, we both didn't remember much about it!  Either way, we had an amazing time being kids again in the happiest place on earth, and it couldn't have come at a better time to just get away from the real world and live like a kid.  So we did. :)

Sleeping Beauty's Castle 

Couldn't have been more perfect for our weekend.  I pretty much cried when I saw this.

Welcome to Disney!

Wishing well at Sleeping Beauty's castle.  Jason and I each made our wish.

The Birthday Girl!

Little Mickey Hudson

California Adventure

Waiting in line for Star Tours 

Big Thunder Ranch Petting Zoo... yes, I dragged Jason to this, being the animal lover I am.

So cute!

Everything tastes better in Disneyland!

Radiator Springs Racers.. we won!

Space Mountain

California Screamin'

Tower of Terror

Adorable desserts at Scarlett's birthday dinner, Ariel's Grotto 

Little one passed out at the end of the day!  Too much fun!

Happy in the happiest place on Earth!

January Happenings

January was an extremely eventful month, obviously full of extreme highs and extreme lows (see previous blog posts).  Yet, with both the exciting and devastating news that we experienced, life happened in between.  And for those moments that happened, I wanted to make sure we documented our January happenings, just as every other month. :)

Right after the new year, we took a quick trip to the snow at Mount Charleston.  Harley had never been in the snow before, so we figured it would be a great day to let him run around and check it out!  He had a blast and it was fun to see him enjoy the snow so much!  

We enjoyed nights out to dinner throughout the month with our friends the Luks'.  On one night, we tried Nielsen's Frozen Custard which was delicious!

My partner in crime :)

Stacey came into town to celebrate her birthday for the weekend.  I love spending any second with her that I can since we don't live in the same city anymore, and the weekend was even more fun because we got to see lots of friends we hadn't seen in a while.  Plus, any excuse to get out of the house is okay in our book!

We went to check out a new bar downtown called Commonwealth and it didn't disappoint.  Stacey and Jeremy kept it classy with their designated drinks: a martini for Jeremy and a beer (with special koozie) for Stacey.  After we spent time at Commonwealth, we decided to hop over to another bar down the street called The Griffin.  We spent time dancing and drinking there and then called it a night!  

My girls for life! (and all of our unplanned brown boots)

The birthday girl breaking it down

The next night, we all went out to eat at Lucille's and then spent the night drinking at Quinn's Irish Pub in Green Valley Ranch.  Sometimes I forget how great it is to have good bars close by, and Quinn's is definitely one of those places!  It was so great to have my best friend in town again, and I love being able to spend time with my friends who I don't normally get to see on a regular basis.  We always have such a good time together and it makes me miss our college days when we were all inseparable!

Birthday girl and her sundae!

Jason got to hang out with his friends, too :)

Towards the end of the month, I spent a lot of time snuggling with my fur baby.  Any day snuggling with this little dude is a good day for me! 

Moment of Truth

Tuesday morning was our first prenatal visit.  This was something I was anxiously awaiting from the moment I saw those two lines appear the first week of January.  It was a standard first visit, and we didn't get to experience anything amazing like I would have hoped for.  Just a consultation of medical history, lots of bloodwork, a urinalysis, and going over any questions we may have (which trust me, I had a list as a first time pregnant woman).  We left feeling mostly positive, but in the back of mind I knew I wasn't completely satisfied with how things were.  For one, I had to ask for my HCG and progesterone levels to be tested, since it wasn't routine.  I also was experiencing some light cramping on one side for about 24 hours, which had me worried and also allowed for me to ask for an early ultrasound, one of which our insurance did not cover because insurance is absolutely ridiculous now (I could go on for hours about that one).  

Ultimately, we decided to wait on our HCG and progesterone levels before we scheduled the early ultrasound.  If those levels looked fine, there seemed no need to waste unnecessary loads of money if our little bean's levels seemed normal.  Plus, the Doppler appointment was scheduled in two weeks; we could totally wait it out.  What could possibly happen?

What could happen was something I had prepared myself for from day one.  

The fact that practically every pregnant woman I've known (give or take three or four) has had a miscarriage was something constantly flowing in the back of my mind.  It's an unfair, all to common happening that baffles my mind.  So when Tuesday afternoon came around, and I started spotting, I knew.  I knew that even though it was just spotting, and that most women in pregnancy have this as a symptom, it wasn't a symptom for me.  I knew that the cramping I've experienced was concerning, and the back pain I was starting to feel was another red flag.  Jason reassured me everything would be fine, and we would call the doctor's office in the morning.  That's when I started to pray.  To beg, to plea, and to find the slight chance of hope I somehow knew wasn't in existence.  I figured the more I prayed, the harder I tried, maybe something would come through for me.  

Wednesday morning came around, and we snuck in for a cancelled appointment.  After a pelvic exam and some discussion with the doctor, ruling a threatened miscarriage was taking place, he set us up for a 50-50% chance of our baby's future.  We scheduled an ultrasound for the next morning, and while the spotting and cramping continued, although still faint and not overwhelming, he reassured us that if there was a heartbeat, we were in the clear.  If there was none, we needed to start thinking of our options.  We found that although my HCG levels were where they needed to be, my progesterone levels were extremely low.  What should have been a minimum of a 14, my progesterone was at a 5.  He prescribed me Prometrium to start ASAP, as I did as soon as I got home. 

As Thursday morning approached, after the longest 24 hour period of my life and cramping becoming more severe, I went to the restroom and it happened.  Bright red blood, clots, and a nonstop flow.  I didn't need an ultrasound to tell me what I already knew, yet I kept the tiniest glimpse of hope that maybe somehow, just someway, that little flicker would come across the screen and life would be good again.  When we got to the office and they called us back for the ultrasound, I cried to the sonographer, and at that point I know she prepared herself on what she was going to find.  As she ran the wand across my belly, which seemed like the absolute longest moment of my life, I looked back and forth from her face to Jason's face, searching for any kind of sign that they knew what they were looking at.  As she finished, she stated that she couldn't tell us anything and the doctor had to go over the results.  I cried again, knowing exactly what those results would be.

He sat us down, brought up the ultrasound photos and explained  that we experienced a blighted ovum in our pregnancy.  Basically, the sac and placenta had formed, which is how the HCG levels were fine, but the embryo never had.  It explained so much but at the same time, nothing at all.  It explained why I never got nauseous, it explained why the last four days I felt "empty".  At some point between the cramping on Monday and the spotting on Wednesday, I imagined to myself just running away from this baby and wanting to get a clean slate.  It explained why in the back of my mind, I wanted this pregnancy to reset and start over.  I know after I had this thought, I instantly felt guilt and anger towards myself for how I could even conceive such an idea.  Apparently, I just knew what my body was trying to tell me.

I chose the D&C option rather than waiting to naturally pass everything.  For me, this was a personal decision knowing I couldn't possibly heal until getting everything out was over.  The doctor explained that it could take a day or it could take weeks letting it occur naturally.  It was a simple choice for me, and they scheduled me for that afternoon at 3:45.  Everything was happening so fast, but I think it was better for me that way.  Although I didn't really have time to process everything before it all happened, I was able to just get it over, which I needed to do.

The D&C was quick and painless.  Although I was quite nervous, I was never nervous about the actual procedure.  The hardest part was seeing everyone in the hospital I knew from work and having to explain why I was there.  It was awkward and just made me appreciate why we kept our secret from most people until we were further along; at least we wouldn't have to explain to the world what had happened.  

Now, just one day after the procedure, I'm in a place of not really knowing what to feel.  Yes, I've cried my eyes out to release everything inside.  Yes, I've talked about it over and over with Jason and with a few select close family and friends that have been through the same thing.  Yet, do I look forward to trying again?  Do I sit and mope, grieve this loss and move on?  How long is it going to take to be normal again?  I feel as though so many women go through this but never really explain how they feel about it, which in turn leaves me confused on how I should feel about it, too.  The scariest part for me is not knowing how future pregnancies are going to be.  Is this event going to make me more calm the next time I see those two pink lines, or more paranoid, looking for every sign I experienced with this pregnancy, and just… wait for something to happen.  I need to know how to look forward, and I'm not sure if that is something anyone can help me with or if I need to figure it out on my own (which I'm not good at doing, anyway).

I know it's unconventional to write about this.  I'm not sure if it will help with the healing or if it will just make me look like a blubbery idiot who can't get over something so "routine", that more than 25% of pregnant women experience.  I may make this a public read, and I may keep it private for the entire time this blog is in existence.  I can't say yet.  But, I know when I was going through my miscarriage, I searched the internet for a glimpse of relation and couldn't find much.  If anything, if it doesn't work for healing, if it doesn't serve a purpose for myself, maybe it will help someone else out there looking for the answers I was searching for the past three days.  Because Lord knows, the one thing I needed during this time was to know that I wasn't alone.

In the end, it looks like my New Years Resolution turned out to be much more than I thought it meant.  I made that resolution and instantly found out I was pregnant.  So I "let go" for a couple weeks and it happened!  But now, I need to let it go again.  And maybe times after that.  And it may not come as easy, but I need to prepare myself for the realities of life, no matter how unsettling, unfair, or personal they may be.  So for now, because I'm not bawling and I'm not cursing the world, here's to looking forward, to starting over and to letting it go.